first sunday away from home...

it is our first sunday away from our beloved church... we will be doing 3 months away from it to get some distance to reflect, pray and listen to God.

in the last 4 years, we had been so blessed to be a part of a wonderful body of believers. we have been so blessed by the fellowship, relationships and encouragement we've received through all the major milestones since we've moved to Phoenix.

yet, over the past 6 months, things have gotten very difficult. we've wondered if we are where God wants us. we've wondered what is that God is trying to tell us. we've wondered how do we respond. we've wondered who do we confide in, since we don't want to stumble anyone, and yet desperately needed to talk things through...

thankfully, God provided my father as a sounding board. he suggested we take a three months sabbatical. to go to church at the mother church for three months and while there, clear our minds and evaluate. we also got homework to do from our pastor back in chicago. we are to read the book "before you quit" to really assess ourselves and see if the desire to leave is appropriate.

sunday was strange... we woke up later... dropped off cody at sunday school and just sat and listened to the speaker. it felt strange to not know anyone sitting around you. it felt odd that we didn't know a soul as we streamed in and out of service. no one said hi to us, recognized us, or stopped to chat with us. and it felt even stranger to realize that even though we didn't know anyone around us, we found familiar faces on the stage... we knew people in the choir... we knew people in the worship team... we also knew the pastors... and this is not to say we know of them... but that they know us too. then it hit us as we reflected on it... most of the people we knew were people who had left our church and returned to the mother church. it just started to flood our minds that, there have been so many people that have come through the doors of our church with so much excitement, eagerness and desire to serve... and so many have also left wounded, discouraged and disappointed. as we talked to people who have come to know of our situation, it was saddening to know that they had somewhat anticipated the situation and were relieved for us that we had come to the decision to take a break. i was expecting at least one person to ask "what happened?" but we didn't get any of that. instead we more or less got the response of "good, take a break, find respite here, and move on"...

to be honest... i've been reading our homework book, and i'm having a hard time seeing myself in the scenarios the author has been laying out. granted i haven't finished the book... so i'll keep you posted...

okay... sleepy now... post more later...

trendy no more...

okay... this is not as depressing as it sounds, but it's going to be an honest moment in my life. it's just a slice of my life, so don't look at it as a totally gloomy picture...

well, today was one of those days chiyang had a church meeting in the evening. we've (that i mean cody and i) kind of worked it out where we would try to sneak up to see him after work and before his meeting. i know he loves it. and we do too. of course! actually, i think we've trained ourselves to enjoy whatever time we have for one another no matter how short it might be. this training began during his residency years, where he worked those crazy 36 plus hour shifts. i learned quickly that if i wanted to see him, i could bring some homecooked food, or chinese take-out to him while he was at the hospital, sit in the cafeteria or call-room and wait till he's free to chow down with me. when i do that, he will then lead me to the scrub machine and grab me a set of hospital scrubs so that i could "blend in" with all the other residents. those were the days, i loved it!

now it's a little modified, now cody's my "partner in crime". usually it starts with cody asking me when daddy will come home. or he will tell me all the things he wants to tell his daddy he did with me. like "show daddy my drawings/my crafts" or "tell daddy we went to the library/fed duckies at the park..." stuff like that. then it gets me strategizing the possibilities of snagging 45 mins or so with him. i'll do anything for that short time. i really don't like the idea of having cody not see his daddy all day. but don't get me wrong, i don't jump at cody's beck and call just because he wants to see his daddy. i tell him that his daddy is at work, at a meeting, is busy... then i tell him, we may be able to swing it. in fact, often times i feel like we hatch the plan together. and of course, cody's my biggest cheerleader. he would say things like "oh... daddy's at meeting? he's busy... see daddy later? alright!!!"

okay... that wasn't the point of my interest in blogging... but well, got a little sidetracked. anyways... chiyang had a meeting, so we went up to the mall close to his meeting location. we walked around with chiyang, then went to a playarea for a few minutes for cody to work off some energy, then chiyang walked into a restaurant with me and helped me settle cody down before he explained to cody he had to go to a meeting. cody cheerfully said "bye, see you later" and chiyang took the cue and left. no incident... phew... i hate it when there are those dramatic "don't goooooo daaaaaddddyyyy" nonsense. i really think these episodes can be avoid. parents just have to prep their kids for such departures. or at least not be too dramatic with their own farewell.

sorry... sidenotes again...

well... back to the topic... after dinner i looked at my watch and decided that i had sometime to burn, so i thought i'd do some window shopping.

now we are getting to the point...

i had cody strapped into his stroller and i had bought some gummy bears to keep him company. i decided i would toss him a few during regular intervals to sustain my shopping time.

as i walked through the mall (this was one of the larger and more trendy ones in scottsdale) i came to recall a realization i made a while ago. i didn't quite like it, so i kind of stuffed it in the back of my mind. but tonight, it came back. darn it!

i wondered about my sense of style and fashion. i know i've been feeling like i've slipped from my "earlier" days. i can even recall my "decline", if you want to call it that. but it wasn't until a couple of years back, when i flew back to chicago to visit a friend. i was showing her photos and she made a very interesting comment. after looking at all my phoenix photos, she said, "jean, your life in arizona is soooo different, just look at you now... before you were little miss cutie dress-up, and now you are all casual and laid back..." i kind of smiled and told her, i don't work anymore hence the change of attire... however, the more i thought about it this comment, the more i've begun to see my evolution of attire and to be honest... i don't like it.

as i perused the clothes at the various stores a sense of ridiculous fear (now... i say ridiculous because i know it is, but don't tell me you've never had a recurring ridiculous fear in your life?!?!) started to creep into my mind. i was thinking... boy do i love to have some of these colors in my wardrobe... then it went to... but if i got this, i'll need that... and that... and that... and then the oh-my-goodness moment hits like poop hitting a fan... boy does all the clothes in my wardrobe not jive with current style and fashion anymore?!?!?! i must be super duper boring!!!

now you might think i'm being melodramatic... maybe a little... but don't forget... just two and the half years ago, i was size 6 for a very long time i had the blessing of "the same size and weight". then my illness took me all over the chart. i remember after 2 months of feeling like a bag of bones, chiyang told me to go shopping. i knew i had lost weight, so i went to get some size 4s, they didn't fit. i came out grabbing a whole pile of size 2s, and they still didn't fit. bothered, i thought, maybe i was at the wrong shop... maybe they were cut for teenages with no hips. then chiyang threw a pair of jeans over the changing room door and yelled, "try this one!" and grumpily i did. totally convinced i had grabbed all the size 2s of all the different cuts and styles in the store. after a few moments he yelled over again, "does it fit?" and i said "yes, like a glove!!!" and i heard him yell back "fine! you are a zero! there are a lot of zeros on sale, i'll get a few more!" and i remember sinking onto the bench in the changing room. i couldn't believe i had gotten that skinny. i wasn't proud of it. i was depressed.

then after about 5 months later, when all the medications were pumped to the max, my weight jumped up and up and up. chiyang was very kind. every few weeks i would tell him how i thought i had shrunken my clothes and asked if he felt like his clothes were shrinking too... hello? i'm the laundry woman in this household. and he would kindly tell me, "you can go clothes shopping if you like..." and i would... the most frustrating part of clothes shopping is those sales ladies... they would ask... "can i help you? are you finding everything okay? would you like me to start a room for you? what are you looking for? what size are you?" and my reply would be "yes, thank you, i'm okay, i'm looking for tops/bottoms/etc... but i really don't know my size... really!" i felt stupid saying that, because i mean, what woman doesn't know her size? apparently, me! the ever-expanding medication-pumped nut-case!

yes, actually in the year 2005, i went from size 0 to size 14. yes!!! it was amazing! and i don't say it in a positive way. and in 2006 the decline started... but i'm resigned, i don't hold out hope to ever get back to my pre-illness size. the killer for me is that, i did lose all the pregnancy weight. i even landed lighter than pre-pregnancy weight. those who have been pregnant will understand that that can be a feat.

but weight aside, now can you understand why i may not have as many clothes as one might think i would have. everytime i bought clothes, i bought them wondering if i should bother buying too many since i was on such a rapid weight gain. so i bought simple, boring, cheapo clothings. and yes... at one time, i was kind of bald too (from the chemo) so hello? you think i was in the mood to dress pretty? i was fretting about trying to get my hair to grow back. plus, another freak out moment then was the fact that the medications really changed my body shape. it wasn't an all around weight gain, there were very specific places that the weight pulled to, and so clothes that i liked or that i thought i would look good in, suddenly didn't look that great. even colors... it was a very difficult time... i felt very foreign in my own body. the most painful time was when i couldn't quite recognize myself in the mirror. i quietly placed a photo of myself on my bathroom sink, so that every morning, i would see myself (even if it wasn't the reflection in the mirror).

with all that said... maybe now you can understand... even though i don't feel as foreign to myself, i do feel like through these past 2.5 years, i've lost my sense of style... i do have the annoying fear that if i did pick up something i thought would look cute, i would end up trying it on and freaking out cos i was totally off base (there was a time that happened... yes i had no hair then too...).

in fact, i secretly wished someone would just write to bravo tv and tell those makeover folks i needed one. then again, i don't think i'm that bad. or maybe i am... yikes! maybe i don't want to know... chiyang's always kind to me... he has never said anything mean to me throughout this whole ordeal. he has been a rock when i was totally depressed and unrecognizable to myself. but then again, he's a doctor, he's seen far worse... and he loves me, really loves me... loves me inside...

thank you God for a loving husband... and dear dear friends who will read this and laugh along with me and understand that this is only but a slice of my very very happy life... this may be but the crust of the pie of my life. but nevertheless, it is part of me and my wandering thoughts...

dancing hubbies

i was recently in conversation with a dear friend who gave a wonderful illustration about how she's learned so much about a husband's and wife's role through the ballroom dancing class she took up with her husband. she talked about how she had clumpsily tripped over her husband's foot and messed up the flow and had started apologizing to her husband about how clumpsy she was. but their dance instructor, who is a believer, quickly made his way over the dance room to correct them. she said she watched as the instructor pointed out all the things her husband was doing wrong. about how he didn't move out of the way, so she had nowhere to go and thus tripped over his foot, about how he wasn't guiding firmly, how his hand was not placed correctly so it was difficult for her to move. she said she was so embarassed about how she had been at fault, but quickly realized that not all of it was her fault. and after gentle correction, her husband correct himself and the dance became so seamless. she then went on the say, when her husband does everything as instructed, it is a joy to follow and be led by him. that the dance was smooth and so fun. she likened that to marriage, if our husbands followed God's instructions, we as wives will find great joy in following, it is fun, it is seamless... and this is not the "beat the bible over your head submission." i loved that illustration so much!!! of course, we also agreed that, the husband's role is so difficult, cos they are responsible for us, they are to look out for other people in the way, always having to think about which move to make to keep others from crashing into you while dancing in a crowded dance floor, all the while with confidence, and needing trust from his partner. likewise, in life, they have much on their plate too and we should constantly pray for their Godly leadership. my hubby rocks!

pledge of faith

1. God is who He says He is!
2. God will do what He says He will do!
3. I am who God says I am!
4. I can do all things through Christ!
5. God's word is alive and active in me!

we are to memorize and use this against adversity... at first i felt really silly saying it, but slowly, every time i'm faced with problems, challenges, or readying myself for another pity party, this pledge has been a great reminder of my identity in Him! woohoo!

i got this from the beth moore study we are doing... the homework is quite intense, but it's great... i hate to say this, but bible studies are like a crutch i so relish, cos it's keeps me in the word. it's kind of embarassing to admit it... but hey! i'm not the only one out there! fess up, sometimes some of you run to God's word just in preparation for bible study...

try repeating the above 5 points! oh yes, one more thing, we have to count them on our fingers as we say thing. the visual really makes you pause and gather yourself before you blast away with the pledge. it's great!

hilarious parenting!

so a couple of days ago, my son, cody, hit my husband in the head. now we are at the stage of teaching him to say sorry and realizing that certain actions are not appropriate. so after things had settled down, chiyang (my husband), sat cody down and began to explain...
"you gave daddy an "owie", it really hurts, that's not nice... please say sorry..."
you could tell cody was beginning to understand what he did was wrong and he started to look very serious and remorseful. he bowed his head in shame. so chiyang tried to encourage him by saying "you need to say "i'm sorry" cody..."
still, cody bowed in remorse but too shy to raise his head... chiyang repeats "say "i'm sorry" cody..." he said it two or three more times... we really want to teach him to say his "i'm sorry-s" so we weren't going to let him off the hook. now both chiyang and i were watching him closely as he looked at the floor.
then suddenly, cody pops his head up with a big smile he said "i forgive you daddy!" and patted chiyang on his shoulder.
chiyang had a look of disbelief on his face and me, i was laughing my head off!!! too funny!!!

new bible study

well, i just got back from bible study. we are doing a beth moore series called Believing God (DVD). it's for women only. it's wonderful! today was the first meeting but i can already being to feel that i will learn so much. she talked about merging our theology with our reality. it's basically saying, this is what we know of what God says about us, what he wants for us, what he wants to give us, and how do we make that a reality. how do we go about living our lives in complete belief in Him, His word, His truth, that there is no difference between what he wants for us, and what we are truly living. and she makes it very clear that what he wants for us isn't necessarily wealth or fancy cars or comfy lives or things that pleases us, but things that will bring glory to His name, things that will please Him, magnify His kingdom. she calls that our promise land. she talks about how the israelites were promised the promise land, but didn't get to go in, because of their failure to believe in what God wanted to give them. she makes a distinction between the treasures God has for us in heaven, and the promise land he wants to give us here on earth. she also makes it clear that we don't lose salvation because we didn't get to our promise land, giving the example of moses, who didn't set foot into the promise land, but we are very certain he is in heaven!!! she also asked the question, can we be trusted with what God wants to give us? what a heavy question!!!

are diamonds a girl's best friend?

today i conducted our church's quarterly women's ministry event. this quarter's event was titled, "are diamonds a girl's best friend? a celebration of friendship..."

i found it so appropriate that we were touching on this topic at this juncture in my life. the fact that i've found a few long lost friends from secondary school days in singapore, stunning myself with my memories of them, and their memories of me...

today we talked about destructive friendships, friendships that drifted, friends that are totally godsent and such a bless and the purpose of friendship. and my past two weeks leading up today was simply coming to face all the above in my secondary sch life! there were so many friends that we just drifted, cos in those adolescent years we were so fickle... only hanging with those who were in your class, the moment we were seperated by a wall, sometimes a floor, we fell out of friendship. then there are the destructive friendships that i was thankful i ended a long time ago... but now i wonder, should i have stuck it out and been a friend. everyone has at least one destructive friend. the one that holds you back, keeps you under, uses you, leaves you gasping for relief, talks your ear off leaving you drained, leaves you in the dark, influences your decisions in a negative way, keeps you from other friends, etc... i did wonder... but i think i'm still concluding that i did the right thing...

the speaker also talked about how friends are like diamonds... they help shape you (diamonds can only be shaped/cut by diamonds)... yes... i recognized that i'm still "in the rough"... and i'm so glad for friends, true friends, who have come along to "shape" me... so i'm less rough than before and hopefully a little more sparkly than before... the story she used was the friendship between nathan and david when bathsheba came into david's life, nathan was a true friend and he helped david see what he was really doing. it was difficult and he did put the friendship on the line, but it was important.

okay... it's quite late... there was a lot more, it was an hour talk. but i'm really tired... i just finished writing my summary of events and wanted to blog my thoughts before i conk out and forget my reflections.

my dear husband watched cody all day today while i was busy at the event, so needless to say, they are both conked out from having so much fun at the library reading books, the park feeding duckies and goosies, the macdonald's playground going down the red slide, playing hide and seek in our home, yaddah yaddah, yaddah... love them both so much! ok... see it's late, i'm going off on tangents!!! night-night...