trendy no more...

okay... this is not as depressing as it sounds, but it's going to be an honest moment in my life. it's just a slice of my life, so don't look at it as a totally gloomy picture...

well, today was one of those days chiyang had a church meeting in the evening. we've (that i mean cody and i) kind of worked it out where we would try to sneak up to see him after work and before his meeting. i know he loves it. and we do too. of course! actually, i think we've trained ourselves to enjoy whatever time we have for one another no matter how short it might be. this training began during his residency years, where he worked those crazy 36 plus hour shifts. i learned quickly that if i wanted to see him, i could bring some homecooked food, or chinese take-out to him while he was at the hospital, sit in the cafeteria or call-room and wait till he's free to chow down with me. when i do that, he will then lead me to the scrub machine and grab me a set of hospital scrubs so that i could "blend in" with all the other residents. those were the days, i loved it!

now it's a little modified, now cody's my "partner in crime". usually it starts with cody asking me when daddy will come home. or he will tell me all the things he wants to tell his daddy he did with me. like "show daddy my drawings/my crafts" or "tell daddy we went to the library/fed duckies at the park..." stuff like that. then it gets me strategizing the possibilities of snagging 45 mins or so with him. i'll do anything for that short time. i really don't like the idea of having cody not see his daddy all day. but don't get me wrong, i don't jump at cody's beck and call just because he wants to see his daddy. i tell him that his daddy is at work, at a meeting, is busy... then i tell him, we may be able to swing it. in fact, often times i feel like we hatch the plan together. and of course, cody's my biggest cheerleader. he would say things like "oh... daddy's at meeting? he's busy... see daddy later? alright!!!"

okay... that wasn't the point of my interest in blogging... but well, got a little sidetracked. anyways... chiyang had a meeting, so we went up to the mall close to his meeting location. we walked around with chiyang, then went to a playarea for a few minutes for cody to work off some energy, then chiyang walked into a restaurant with me and helped me settle cody down before he explained to cody he had to go to a meeting. cody cheerfully said "bye, see you later" and chiyang took the cue and left. no incident... phew... i hate it when there are those dramatic "don't goooooo daaaaaddddyyyy" nonsense. i really think these episodes can be avoid. parents just have to prep their kids for such departures. or at least not be too dramatic with their own farewell.

sorry... sidenotes again...

well... back to the topic... after dinner i looked at my watch and decided that i had sometime to burn, so i thought i'd do some window shopping.

now we are getting to the point...

i had cody strapped into his stroller and i had bought some gummy bears to keep him company. i decided i would toss him a few during regular intervals to sustain my shopping time.

as i walked through the mall (this was one of the larger and more trendy ones in scottsdale) i came to recall a realization i made a while ago. i didn't quite like it, so i kind of stuffed it in the back of my mind. but tonight, it came back. darn it!

i wondered about my sense of style and fashion. i know i've been feeling like i've slipped from my "earlier" days. i can even recall my "decline", if you want to call it that. but it wasn't until a couple of years back, when i flew back to chicago to visit a friend. i was showing her photos and she made a very interesting comment. after looking at all my phoenix photos, she said, "jean, your life in arizona is soooo different, just look at you now... before you were little miss cutie dress-up, and now you are all casual and laid back..." i kind of smiled and told her, i don't work anymore hence the change of attire... however, the more i thought about it this comment, the more i've begun to see my evolution of attire and to be honest... i don't like it.

as i perused the clothes at the various stores a sense of ridiculous fear (now... i say ridiculous because i know it is, but don't tell me you've never had a recurring ridiculous fear in your life?!?!) started to creep into my mind. i was thinking... boy do i love to have some of these colors in my wardrobe... then it went to... but if i got this, i'll need that... and that... and that... and then the oh-my-goodness moment hits like poop hitting a fan... boy does all the clothes in my wardrobe not jive with current style and fashion anymore?!?!?! i must be super duper boring!!!

now you might think i'm being melodramatic... maybe a little... but don't forget... just two and the half years ago, i was size 6 for a very long time i had the blessing of "the same size and weight". then my illness took me all over the chart. i remember after 2 months of feeling like a bag of bones, chiyang told me to go shopping. i knew i had lost weight, so i went to get some size 4s, they didn't fit. i came out grabbing a whole pile of size 2s, and they still didn't fit. bothered, i thought, maybe i was at the wrong shop... maybe they were cut for teenages with no hips. then chiyang threw a pair of jeans over the changing room door and yelled, "try this one!" and grumpily i did. totally convinced i had grabbed all the size 2s of all the different cuts and styles in the store. after a few moments he yelled over again, "does it fit?" and i said "yes, like a glove!!!" and i heard him yell back "fine! you are a zero! there are a lot of zeros on sale, i'll get a few more!" and i remember sinking onto the bench in the changing room. i couldn't believe i had gotten that skinny. i wasn't proud of it. i was depressed.

then after about 5 months later, when all the medications were pumped to the max, my weight jumped up and up and up. chiyang was very kind. every few weeks i would tell him how i thought i had shrunken my clothes and asked if he felt like his clothes were shrinking too... hello? i'm the laundry woman in this household. and he would kindly tell me, "you can go clothes shopping if you like..." and i would... the most frustrating part of clothes shopping is those sales ladies... they would ask... "can i help you? are you finding everything okay? would you like me to start a room for you? what are you looking for? what size are you?" and my reply would be "yes, thank you, i'm okay, i'm looking for tops/bottoms/etc... but i really don't know my size... really!" i felt stupid saying that, because i mean, what woman doesn't know her size? apparently, me! the ever-expanding medication-pumped nut-case!

yes, actually in the year 2005, i went from size 0 to size 14. yes!!! it was amazing! and i don't say it in a positive way. and in 2006 the decline started... but i'm resigned, i don't hold out hope to ever get back to my pre-illness size. the killer for me is that, i did lose all the pregnancy weight. i even landed lighter than pre-pregnancy weight. those who have been pregnant will understand that that can be a feat.

but weight aside, now can you understand why i may not have as many clothes as one might think i would have. everytime i bought clothes, i bought them wondering if i should bother buying too many since i was on such a rapid weight gain. so i bought simple, boring, cheapo clothings. and yes... at one time, i was kind of bald too (from the chemo) so hello? you think i was in the mood to dress pretty? i was fretting about trying to get my hair to grow back. plus, another freak out moment then was the fact that the medications really changed my body shape. it wasn't an all around weight gain, there were very specific places that the weight pulled to, and so clothes that i liked or that i thought i would look good in, suddenly didn't look that great. even colors... it was a very difficult time... i felt very foreign in my own body. the most painful time was when i couldn't quite recognize myself in the mirror. i quietly placed a photo of myself on my bathroom sink, so that every morning, i would see myself (even if it wasn't the reflection in the mirror).

with all that said... maybe now you can understand... even though i don't feel as foreign to myself, i do feel like through these past 2.5 years, i've lost my sense of style... i do have the annoying fear that if i did pick up something i thought would look cute, i would end up trying it on and freaking out cos i was totally off base (there was a time that happened... yes i had no hair then too...).

in fact, i secretly wished someone would just write to bravo tv and tell those makeover folks i needed one. then again, i don't think i'm that bad. or maybe i am... yikes! maybe i don't want to know... chiyang's always kind to me... he has never said anything mean to me throughout this whole ordeal. he has been a rock when i was totally depressed and unrecognizable to myself. but then again, he's a doctor, he's seen far worse... and he loves me, really loves me... loves me inside...

thank you God for a loving husband... and dear dear friends who will read this and laugh along with me and understand that this is only but a slice of my very very happy life... this may be but the crust of the pie of my life. but nevertheless, it is part of me and my wandering thoughts...